In my day to day life there is this constant event – I lie down in bed, motionless and lost in thought. It doesn’t really matter where or when, but recently this has been happening between 12AM and 2AM. It doesn’t matter if the lights are out or not. It doesn’t matter what I wear. It doesn’t matter now if I am covered with my blanket (before it does). It’s just me, the bed, and the thoughts.
As a person who likes quality time alone, silence has never failed to calm me. I let my peaceful mind wander for a few minutes, and then I will reflect on what happened to me that very day.
These past few months I know it’s getting more depressing.
Everything I am holding onto slides slowly out of my grasps. All this time I thought they were the ones pulling themselves away from me, but I came to realize it is just because of my own wavering grip. I am losing ground. I do not know what to keep and I do not know what to let go.
Each day I realize I did worse. Each day I realize I’ve let myself sink further.
And I am empty.
So, even if I try to fight I fail because I have lost reason. Even if I do something now all it can do is to mask the blunders I have already made. I don’t have permanent solution, which makes me more vulnerable to commit mistakes.
But even so, I live. There is no pause and there is no rewind. It is always one way – forward forever. And the worst part is we can’t change the past but we always have the privilege to look back at it. Bad feelings and bad memories chips away my being. But though I am uneven I try to walk and regain balance. I try to go with the pace.
And as my eyes droop it marks the end of my pondering for the day. The conclusion always revolves around three things: future, change, and betterment.
I guess the best part about living is we are given the privilege to dream.
And my dreams are bulletproof.