Saturday, May 31, 2014

There is this sad feeling inside me, as I am torn between the events of the present and my own imagination. Late at night when I could not sleep, the fear swallows me and suffocates me and I lay in bed, my hands trembling as I choke back tears. I wait until I finally succumb to sleep and I wake up the next day with the same burden, but lighter than when in the dark. This goes on for days.

The prospect of dying made me think about how I am living my life, in a deeper sense. Even though there is a low chance for me to die any time soon, there is still the probability of me dying all of a sudden. I think of how unaccomplished I am. I think about my relationships. I think of wasted times. I think about my family.

I want to stop this madness. I read it can help if I tell somebody about this. So I did, and I told my mother I am having difficulty sleeping. She guessed right away why this is, and I am thankful I don’t have to go through the details. She even covered up for me when my sister became curious and asked questions. Somehow, I know I felt better.

There is this episode of The Big Bang Theory, The Proton Transmogrification, where the characters celebrated for Star Wars day but it was hard for both Sheldon and Leonard because Professor Proton just passed away. Sheldon had these dreams about him where Professor Proton wore Jedi robes. They didn’t know why Sheldon was having those dreams but Sheldon told him that maybe he is like his Obi-Wan and he was there to give him advice. So Professor Proton tried, and he told him to cherish the people around him before they die and think of how he should be spending his life. At Professor Proton’s funeral, Leonard and Penny also talked about dying, where Leonard said he doesn't think about it much and maybe just his regrets in life. This episode also helped to lighten me up.

Just moments ago, before my sister went to bed, she told me that whenever I am feeling lonely at night, I could climb down the upper bunk and just hug her. I think it is time for me to take Professor Proton's advice.